War With My Wardrobe...

What I'm about to describe is a bad start to any woman's day. In fact, I would be willing to put money on it that every woman has had a day begin this way at least once. And it usually happens when you're pressed for time and maybe even headed for some God time- like a Sunday morning church service! If people only knew what you went through before you walked through those sanctuary doors with a smile smacked on your face...

Because we've always been on a budget, I am not much of a spender. Don't get me wrong, I love to shop like as much as the next girl, but clothes for me are not high on the priority list right now. I know there will come a day where our financial territory is expanded a bit and I can shop more, but for now... I stick to what we can afford and buy within my boundary. In the first couple years of our marriage, my wardrobe, or lack there of, got to me from time to time...

You know the routine... I walk into my closet and look around... "What will I wear today?" I pull out my favorite shirt... you know the one... it's been in every picture taken of you for the last six months. "No, I can't wear that... everyone saw me in it one time this week already." So, I start trying on a few things. Too tight. Too yellow. Too busy. Too... UGH. Four outfits later, I am in a sweat. Anxiety has flooded in and I am feeling the heat of picking ANYTHING that will work for the day. "Calm down, Ashli. Try on that shirt you got for Christmas." Although you didn't like it when you opened it on Christmas morning, maybe you've had a change of heart. I struggle to get the stretchy shirt on because it's a tad too small. I look in the mirror... muffin top is visible. This is a no. So, then I try and get out of the God forsaken shirt. I'm hot and perspiring and the shirt will not come off. I'm tangled in the too tight shirt and it's pinching my skin in ways you could not imagine. By this point... I am thinking of every obscenity I've ever heard in my life. Finally, I yank the shirt one last time with great force and give it a WCW smack down to the closet floor. Take that you ugly shirt!!! Combine this with the fact that I have a few pounds of baby weight to lose and a little PMS and I am now a lethal threat to my wardrobe. It's almost as if I can hear the wardrobe laughing at me. Right about now... Jeremy walks in. It looks like an explosion of clothes has erupted all over the room. "What's the matter?" he asks. I throw myself on the bed and utter the infamous words.... "I have nothing to wear!!!!!!!!"

I am happy to tell you that these days don't happen to me much anymore. My wardrobe still gets to me from time to time, but my reaction is a little less tantrum-like. In Matthew 6:31 Jesus takes the time to remind us not to worry... "So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'" I found it so interesting that Jesus mentioned our worry about what we should wear. Is it possible that it was a problem for women even back then? It makes me laugh to think about a Bible times woman picking out her clothes. "I'm tired of this robe. It's just so.... beige!!!" And Lord knows you could get tangled up in one of those things!!!

My point is this... when I had a war with my wardrobe... there was nothing I could have put on that would have helped me regain my confidence. I was past the point of no return. And when I got to where I was going, it was all over my face that I hated my outfit choice. It made my day go down the drain because I let my clothes dictate my confidence level. As I have grown in the word... I realize that the reason God takes the time to remind, specifically women, about worrying over our wardrobe is because it's a confidence killer. Because I have three boys to dress everyday, I no longer have time to worry too much over what I will wear. I still want to look good... and there is nothing wrong with that. But, if I'm having one of those days where nothing I pick is gonna do... I decide to pick something quick and not to worry about it. I find that if I exude confidence from my face- my smile, my eyes, the things that come out of my mouth... then no one pays attention to what I'm wearing. Now, I am not saying we should dress like slobs and not care how we present ourselves. I'm just saying that you don't have to dress to the nine every day in order for your day to go well. Let yourself off the hook every now and then. For example, the other day I was in my workout clothes with no makeup on and needed to run into the grocery store for a few items. I bet you already know what happened... I ran into a slew of people I knew. I could have dropped my head and hid behind the mound of cantaloupes. But instead... I let myself off the hook and let my confidence do the talking.

It's not easy not to worry. You have to do it on purpose. You have to practice it. It will come with time and practice. And I have not yet arrived... Sometimes I still want to crawl in a hole over something like my clothes... but, I am working on it and that is what really matters.

Switching On The Sun...

The teacher went around to each preschooler and asked the famous Career Day question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" She proudly put our answers on the bulletin board for our parents to see at the end of the day. An array of answers beamed from that board... astronaut, firefighter, doctor and the kid who wanted to be a 'cat' when he grew up. Under my name: Mom.

At the age of four, I held the role of mother at the highest honor. Above all the ideal careers I toyed with, motherhood was most valued to me. Of course, as the years went by, I changed my my mind as to how I would 'bring home the bacon' on a weekly basis. But, the idea of motherhood never went away. I am not sure I really planned to stay at home as a mother. After all, my mom and dad were both working parents and that was my normal. However, the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child, the desire to stay at home was undeniable. I knew we couldn't afford it financially, but I could not shake it. And that is because, I had a call on my life to full-time motherhood.

Although our circumstances seemed bleak, God came through at the tail end of my pregnancy with a stay-at-home job. And almost six years later, I am still doing both. So, this is no knock on working mothers- I am a working mother. My mom worked full-time most of my childhood and I never felt neglected. In fact, the reason I am writing this blog is because after six years of staying at home, I am just now receiving the epiphany that motherhood was and is a calling for me. Am I dense that it has taken me so long to figure this out? Maybe. But, more than likely, I probably believed a few lies between four and now that affected how I saw motherhood.

If you stay at home with your kids, then you know how my days go: Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, separating tussles, initiating 'sorry,' handing out timeouts, cleaning up toys, wiping tears, wiping bottoms, teaching manners, cleaning up splattered food, picking up the sippy cup for the 1000th time, and the list goes on and on. No one is there to say, "You deserve a raise." In fact, no one is there to say anything at all, over the age of five. It's a long day most days. And when naptime and bedtime come, I start my second job of working from home. So, for those of you who thought my life was a day at the beach, it's not. People have actually said to me, 'it must be nice to stay at home and make all of those cute cupcakes.' Well, yeah, but I make the cupcakes at hours where the rest of the world is sleeping!

In the balancing act of the last six years, I have had MANY freak-out moments. Prior to marriage and motherhood, I had big dreams. In fact, I have had six synonymous prophesies from different people telling me specific things that God wanted to do with my life. Big things. The biggest lie I believed and am JUST now realizing was a lie- is that motherhood somehow put a hold on what God wanted to do in me. That because I was a mother at home, I was losing ground on my big dreams. Losing time. At least once a year for the last six years, I have tried to pursue a different career. Trying to make something more of myself. Each time, the door would close (more like slam) in my face. Because this is where I needed to be. Right here.

When God calls you to a role, whatever role that may be, embracing it causes much less anxiety and pain then fighting it. God is opening my eyes to just how much personal growth I have experienced from being a mother. Here I thought I was floating in stagnant water, and yet God has been shaping me the whole time. I have learned about servanthood. Kids will teach you that in a hurry, because life is no longer about you when they come along. I have learned humility- kids are honest. I have learned perseverance- my schedule has made me want to give up many times, but I haven't. I have learned patience, so far two kids have survived the twos. And I have learned about love- how although my love for my boys goes so deep, it pales in comparison to God's love for us.

A friend told me a few years back, "Do you realize that those boys believe that you wake up every morning and switch on the sun?" Wow. Motherhood is a big role. And if I never get to do anything else, I have done great things in the kingdom of God. I embrace where I am and accept the gift that he gave me so many years ago: the call to motherhood. Proverbs 18:16 "A man's gift makes room for him and brings him before great men." And I am before some pretty great men as we speak. ;)